unintended repetitions

i haven’t written in so long, and this is not my usual style. just a messy attempt at free-writing, but maybe it’s the beginning of the end of my dry-spell.

Thoughts of you have crept back into my dreams and i cannot bear to sleep
When the seasons changed i thought the chill in the days was a blessing
Until the wind brought you back on his harsh breath
Now, the memories are vivid and your fingerprints are visible.
Texas is burning, the smoke has sunk into my skin and lungs, and that’s when you came to mind
The entire town is filled with gossip and questions of what happens next
The whispers float through the air as people become drunk off the excitement of disaster
Thousands acres of the land have been reduced to ash against the earth
Thousands of homes have been reduced to rubble on a concrete slab
Thousands of lives have been reduced to confusion, devastation and fear
And it sounds like a tell-tale sign that you’ve been here.
This time last year, you were the wildfire; starting flames, burning through barriers and breaking hearts
In dirty, old shoes, a second-hand t shirt and torn up denim, with a con-man smile and cowboy tears
Walking in and out of people’s lives like they were hotel rooms
And though unwelcome and uninvited, you were always begged not to leave
(even though we both knew you’d get restless again and come back around).
You and i were just two hopeless kids playing with matches
And then one day, you set this whole world on fire.
You burned me, you scarred me, and i lost everything
All you cause when you’re here is pain
All you leave when you’re gone is broken values, smoke-damaged eyes and unwanted tattoos.
But, still… you were the prettiest, hopeless white-trash liar i had ever kissed
And everybody knew i was hooked on the first kiss
So i kissed you again, and gritted my teeth and as i watched it all burned away
Don’t think i don’t regret, because i remember this day last year.

I’ve changed so much since you knew my name
I sealed every crack that i could slip between to find a way back into your world
And burned every bridge that could lead me to you
I broke the restraints that had kept me chained to the wall where you found me when we first met
I washed myself clean of the ashes i’d been covered in (what was left of all you burned)
And i stitched up my wounds and covered my scars, and started over new
Without ever letting you ever know that i’d survived your storm
And the memory of you became nothing but a series of blurs, and i didn’t speak your name for a year.
It was almost as if you were never here, and i had almost found peace
Until you came drifting through dangerous subconscious, like a whisper in the wind
A lifetime later, and i’m still scarred by the aftermath of your presence.

But, you have no more power, no more say
The wound is all but closed and my eyes dried up long ago
there is no more love is left in this body for your lying eyes
No more room is left in this place for your games

So why do i now, so suddenly, see you when my eyes fall?
(a face i thought i had forgotten)
Why do i now, so suddenly, remember your name?

And why do i, now, so suddenly, after the all sad, humiliating, selfish hell we called our love-
Miss you at all?

creatures of habit

Salt drips from my pores, falling between the cracks in the wood
I’m right where you left me,
Face to the floor – tired, defeated, and pissed
Tell me what a pain i am
Tell me no one could ever love me
But you
And i will believe you
And i will stay forever
And i will take your hits as boldly as i can
And the wood will stain with sweat and blood.

we haven’t spoken since Fall

I will always remember my friend
Who laid beside me on hot, concrete meadows
Listening to the waves of speeding cars and people
Holding my hand and whispering “this is our life, forever”
You and i – awkward and unhealthy, bored, broke and restless
But pretty and young, and willing to fight for our lives

I will always remember my friend
Who stood next to me against the world in cardboard armor
We promised to the death and charged the crowd with full force

Where did my soldier go?

a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage

It literally feels like a lifetime ago
When i saw your face for the last time
And i saw all the empty promises and hopeless attempts that i had woven across the freckles on your fragile skin
Like forced signatures on an arrogant slab made to look concrete, but it was only just paper mache
And i traced the outlines of your lips and replayed each movement those lips had ever made while selling a lie, which means i have memorized every word you’ve ever said
For a moment, i thought maybe if i kissed them, i could somehow take back everything i had ever told you, and win back the secrets and the love and the dreams and the life you had so lowly stolen
And i saw the bones in your body that fit you so awkwardly, you walked like a weak and scared man, trying so badly to convince the world he’s strong
And i thought of how beautiful the irony was and how i might always miss the symmetry of our shapes and the electric feel of your fingers hanging onto mine, as if that moment was all you had ever known
And your stare tasted like shame against my tongue, like your bitter-sweet cowboy tears on that sticky, hot May afternoon
(Yes, i still remember.)
And i looked into your eyes and saw the memories repeated, of everything you touched turning to mud and the after-math of your flawed architecture
And i saw your soul, and i saw who you were, and i saw your name
And i turned away, disgusted.

touch

My hands are not soft
Like a proper young lady’s should be
My nails are short from where i rip them
Another ugly habit
Fingers cut and scarred
And i don’t even remember how
New blood and bruises show themselves each day
Grown ups always told me i played too rough
My thumbs and knuckles bare permanent footprints
From pencils, guitar strings, and cigarette lighters
Dry and hard and callused
Like an old, bitter man
They are not pretty
They are not graceful
They are not soft

That is why you hold hers.

waiting for the train

Dear nothingness,
Please forgive these ugly smears of ink
My hand is shaking and my bones are tired
I’ve been walking the face of this earth for years
Millions of miles stretched out underneath my worn, muddy shoes
And i still can’t find the curve. maybe it is flat, after all

Take your shame off and hold me
And we can both forget these long, sleepless nights

Dear nothingness,
Please come home to me and i will shower you with secret poetry
Listen to my sweet lies as i sing you away
We have both seen the shame of defeat
But tonight, we will escape to the center and dig our way through
Let them break us no longer with poison-tipped daggers of words meant to be forgotten

Take off your answers and let go
We can slip into this long, sleepy night

Forever.

i see right through you

I see right through you
Like paper sheets of skin on plastic dolls
We tried to pretend we were immortal and beautiful and young forever
You sewed up your handprints beneath my skin, now your scar dances permanently in my veins.

I wish i could write beautiful words like the ones you gave me
But i’ve been cursed with the sharp blade of honesty, my secrets laced around the cold steel like ancient ruins
I used it to cut your hair underneath the stale, yellow lights of my bedroom
We were children then, caught somewhere in between sinners and saved
After we had lost all innocence, but before the shame of our dirty and public defeat
We were still breaking into what was ours to aim for, but never to hold
Still ruling the world in torn up sneakers with broken laces
Hair long, eyes wide, naked skin and nothing to lose.

I see right through you
I see how we both lost everything.

paper kingdom

In the silence of the wordplay, a voice crawled out from the layers of unspoken thoughts
Your ideas were crushed beneath a thousand years of words unsaid
A flood turned your paper kingdom to waste
What will you go home to, now?
What is left for you, now that the game is over?
I used to pray for you, the boy king, betrayed by a cold world
But i found that the harshest winds blew from your lungs
And all that awaited me here was a grave
I’m so sorry, i chose a different road

a wasted youth

Sometimes, i feel like i could waste my whole life
Wondering if i could ever forgive you
Even if i wanted to
But the damage done over the past 17 cold years can’t be forgotten
You don’t even see what i’ve become, because of you
You don’t even know who i am, because of this
I’ve been growing old in this room while you build a smaller, stronger cage each year
To make sure i’ll obey, make sure i’ll walk straight
You told me to fly, and then broke my wings
Told me to run, and then trapped me beneath cold bars
All i have left for you is anger
And all you show me is resentment, because i’m not what i was supposed to be
Because i’m not fixing the mistakes you made long ago
Because i won’t walk the road you pushed me onto
But i cannot stay here a moment longer
I’ll break through these chains you’ve spent my whole life weaving
And i will never again carry your regret

amitto of silenti etc, parumper novus vita.

There’s a storm coming, she’s gonna tear down every home i ever knew
Tell the wind to bring her faster
I’m ready to rebuild
I’m letting go, i’m moving on, i’m leaving this place
I won’t come back when you call, i won’t remember your name
I’ll become to you what this town is to me – just a memory
I’ll cover every scar with a new skin, replace every word with a new name
I can’t be who i’ve become a moment longer
Nothing in this world has ever given me a reason to stay here
I look around me, but i see nothing at all
I’ll leave you with a footprint and nothing more
Let the rain drown this place, i’m already out the door
I won’t look back, no
I won’t make the same mistakes as before

Goodbye, old friend
Please don’t remember me.